Grief stricken...don't know what to do...

My rabbit died while I was away.

I knew something was wrong with her the day I left. When I picked her up she was too calm, almost listless, and her stomach was hard and kind of cold. That's why I told Mom to take her to the vet as soon as she got back from the airport, but by the time she got there Cadbury was gone.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. I've been crying all day. I don't feel as though people here at Oxford know me well enough yet to understand how attached I was to the little brat. She was always so grumpy, we called her "surly rabbit" because she would grunt angrily at Mom whenever she tried to pick her up. Was always a sweetheart for me, though. I even had her trained to go through the door to the washroom whenever I opened it and held it out for her. I didn't really have to teach her that, she picked it up on her own.

I guess I thought that, since rabbits can live for 10 years or more, I would get to take her with me when I fully moved out of my parents' place. I thought I'd get to buy her a bigger cage, get her a litterbox, and teach her how to use it. I thought that I'd have a few more years of my mom trying to win her little bunny approval and failing. I pictured Jordan and I with her in an apartment, him griping about her messiness but softening every time she let him pet her head. Now I won't get any of that with her.

I looked up her symptoms, and they seem to be the signs of bloat. Bloat can be caused by nearly anything in rabbits: Stress from weather changes, temperature fluctuations, not eating enough hay, mouldy food....All of which makes me insane with guilt. What if we'd kept her inside the house, where the temperature was more stable? What if we let her hay sit too long and it had mould? What if I'd simply let her out to run around more, would that have helped? Did my music stress her out even though there was a wall between her and the rest of the house?

I don't know if I want another rabbit, ever. My first rabbit was a sweetie, but we gave him away, and my second died very shortly after being bought. Cadbury's death has just shattered me, though - I don't remember being this heartbroken even after giving Cuddles away, when I was a young kid. Their stomachs are so fragile, one day of not eating can give them impaction and kill them...I don't know if I can go through any more of this, even though I love rabbits and always kind of thought of them as one of my "heart animals" (as stupid a phrase as that is), along with dogs and horses. I wish they were sturdier.

Rest in peace, little bunny. I hope you know Jordan was kidding when he called you a bitch, and I hope you know I love you, and I hope it didn't hurt too much and was all over quickly.